


Dearest Newfound Brother

by Le_purple



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Cake, Comedy, Dialogue Heavy, F/M, Family Secrets, Funny, No Incest, Parenthood, Secret Relationship, Secrets, Surprises
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-02
Updated: 2020-02-02
Packaged: 2021-02-27 20:20:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 894
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22531603
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Le_purple/pseuds/Le_purple
Summary: “I do believe a ‘what are you doing, stepbro’ is in order.”John and Rose are called in to have a talk with Mom and Dad, and are worried that they found out about their relationship, but are surprised with an even worse outcome.
Relationships: Dad/Mom, John Egbert/Rose Lalonde
Comments: 3
Kudos: 25





	Dearest Newfound Brother

“Oh my god, do you think they know we’re dating? I mean why else would BOTH our parents call us BOTH into a ‘talk’ for BOTH of us?!” John stammered quietly, occasionally looking over his shoulder to see Ms Lalonde talking with Dad in the kitchen.

"I’m sure that they are still in the dark. We have been very good in obscuring our relationship from them, so I doubt that they are aware.”

“You KNOW I wouldn’t be able to deal with my Dad if he found out! He would be all over us. He would make so much CAKE! He would-”

“John we are in the same proverbial boat here. If my mother were ever to discover us she would undoubtedly use our relationship to fuel her passive aggressive shopping sprees and become an even more insufferable thorn in my side.”

“He’d probably hide condoms under a plate of brownies...”

“Ribbed for her pleasure, no doubt.”

“...damn it...”

“So you understand what we must do. Play stupid. Play ‘first day in kindergarten’ stupid. Play ‘what is a girlfriend’ stupid.”

“I’m sorry, but I don’t know who you are.” John said, quite obviously winking.

“John. My light, my love. That was perf-”

“I am sure you both are wondering why you are here.” Mr Egbert began, him and Mom walking in from the kitchen, a large cake in hand. From what they could see, it was his signature white creamed, blue rimmed sponge cake.

“We heard you two chattering away from the kitchen.”

“I’m sure that must have been...riveting.” Rose said, voice a little uneasy.

“What’s a kitchen?”

“Anyway, me and Mr Egbert know how close you two are, and we took the time to get to know each other.”

“And we thought that now would be the right time to tell you that:”

Rose and John held their breaths.

“We’re getting married!” Mom burst excitedly, Dad setting down the cake with a smile, the dessert decorated with a giant, pink heart in the centre.

“What’s a marriage-waIT WHAT?!!”

“How...surprising!”

“Now, I know this is sudden, and probably a lot to take in,” Dad began, looking over at Rose and Mom did John.

“I hope we get along great! You’re such a sweet kid, and I know that you and Rose are close, so hopefully being brother and sister won’t be too big of a step.”

“Brother and sister?!” John blurted, voice cracking.

“What is your favourite dessert, Rose? I’m afraid that your mother hasn’t been able to give me a straight answer.”

“I-well-”

“Can me and Rose talk upstairs please?” John asked, standing up and taking a very flabbergasted Rose’s hand.

“Of course, John.”

“But if you two have ANYTHING you want to ask, we’ll both be right here for you.”

Rose followed John upstairs, flashing a smile to Dad and a saccharine grin to her mother before she disappeared behind the banister. John rushed into his bedroom and dived on his bed, facing up at the ceiling with a mix of dread and relief.

“At least we know that they have NO CLUE we’re dating!” John sighed.

“In fact, they had so little clue that are parents are now-”

“Please don’t. Don’t remind me of my current existence.”

“I do believe a ‘what are you doing, stepbro’ Is in order.”

"Rose!” John whined, Rose laying next to him.

“Should we share a final kiss before the tragic yet comedic end to our relationship?”

“God, this whole thing is going to be so weird. This is like some sick perverts wet dream or something.”

“Not to mention what our dearest friends will say. Dave will never let us hear the end of this.”

“Oh god what will our friends say.”

“I suggest that we comedically attempt to sabotage our parents relationship, like a reverse of ‘The Parent Trap’.”

“That will never work, Dad is too much of a gentleman for him to ditch Ms Lalonde, or for Ms Lalonde to ditch him.”

“Tis the Egbert charm, I suppose.”

“If it’s any consolation, I’ll be happy to see you all the time-B-BUT not in the pervert ‘onee-chan’ way!”

“Wait a minute... _I_ suspect that my mother DOES know about us, and that this is actually a plan of hers to spite me! She slithered into Mr Egbert’s life like a serpent after realizing that I was happy, and sook to-to...BESMIRCH it with her presence and-” Mid-rant, John turned his head and kissed Rose on the cheek, the girl instantly flushing bright pink and stopping.

She grabbed John’s pillow and buried her face into it, groaning.

“I...can’t! This is just-”

“Ughhh...this is so fucked...”

There was a gentle knock at the door.

“Is everything alright in there?”

“Yes mother! Everything is going quite copacetic! I was just discussing my congratulations for your lovely relationship, with my dearest newfound brother!”

“I’m so glad that you’re taking this so well, sweetie. I’m sure that soon you’ll even start calling him ‘dad’!” Ms Lalonde giggled, walking away humming happily.

“W-what a lovely thought!” Rose said breathlessly, holding her forehead in her hand with wide eyes. She walked back over to the bed and laid with her head on John’s lap, looking up at the boy with dead eyes as he patted the top of her head sympathetically.  
“This is going to kill me.”


End file.
